Consent Is Mandatory!

Recently, I saw a post saying "Women who dress like prostitutes but complain about male attention are to blame for "confusing" men."

This statement was claimed by a woman called Maureen Lipman and I didn't take further interest in this post since clearly Maureen was out of her goddanm mind.

Consequently, that post started a debate on my social media feed that I couldn't help but to participate in. Many opinions were shared but, one question remains unanswered, why is it that woman are judged/approached based on how they dress?

In french, they say "L'habit ne fait pas le moine", it literally means just because someone is dressed like a priest, doesn't mean they are a saint. God knows what happens behind those churches doors but, that's a discussion for another day.

Why doesn't this work for women in general though? Just because I dress like a prostitute, I should be treated as such? Don't I need to give a permission of some sort to be labeled as is?

I mean, even prostitutes have the right to consent, no?

Everyday, they teach us to not judge a book by it's cover yet, we judge women on how they dress ALL THE TIME. My reply to that was some women dress like little "Virgin Marie" and the things they do deserve "one-way" tickets to hell.

Men also get judged on how they dress but, it's pretty rare you'll hear the story of a guy getting raped because he was jogging late at night without a T-shirt.

Don't get me wrong, men get raped, less than women and more they would like to admit but, it happens and now I want to know why does it happen less to them?

Is it a question of strength? Is it because they don't have to fear being attacked because of how they are dressed? Why is it that us females understand the concept of consent better than males?

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"Avant je voulais, maintenant JE ne veux Plus."

"I wanted it at first now I don't anymore"

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Consent:

noun: consent; plural noun: consents

1. 1. permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

"No change may be made without the consent of all the partners"

Synonyms: agreement, assent, acceptance, approval, approbation;

Antonyms: dissent

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This was the definition of consent. If it's still too complicated for you, basically it's when you ask someone if you can do something and they give you PERMISSION. It is very important for everyone to understand what it means, especially when is comes to sex. I don't understand how some people are learning this in college.

Throughout this whole article, I'll be sharing several stories where different victims experienced horrible circumstances because their assailant didn't care about consent. I must warn you the stories are heartbreaking so please prepare yourselves.

When we were younger, our parents told us "No", and "No" meant "No"... why does it get a total different meaning for some people when they grow up?

Society will not change in one day, I'm more than aware of the world I live in so I don't expect people older than me to make a difference. However, I can talk to people my age having children now or planing to have kids, and tell them to never forget to teach their kids especially the little boys, what consent means.

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Story 1: Freshman year, I ended up in a situation because of my naivety and my childish need to trust everyone. I left a party with this guy I was dancing with, his friend, and one of my friends. We were supposed to go eat. In my head we were going on an adventure like I've done many times with my friends back home. We ended up in a motel, and I said I was down to hangout but I wasn't going to have sex. We were making out on the bed and I started zoning out. He unbuttoned my pants and thats when I woke up. I tried to fight him off but I was really out of it. He turned me to the side pinned my hands down and f*cked me from the side. I don't know why I didn't scream... I just tried to get out of his grip but I didn't scream. At some point, he tried to change positions and I ran to the bathroom (I was so drunk I fell on my way there). He followed me and closed the door behind him before I could lock it. He told me some things that I've suppressed from my memory. Then he put me on the sink and finished his business. I was sobbing and he just kept going. And after when his friend offered to take us home he kicked me out and called me a bitch before slamming the door in my face.

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When it comes to sex, "no" means "no". If the person is too intoxicated to say "no", the answer is still "no". Even if the person was flirting and wanted it at first, if they change their minds, "no" is still "no".

I know it might suck for some of you because dealing with rejection is always hard but, the word exists for a reason, use it when it is necessary and respect the person's choice when they use it.

"No" is a complete sentence. It does not require justification or explanation. - Unknown

I know it's even more difficult for some people to understand that "no" is still "no" when you are in the middle of having sex, it doesn't matter if it's been 2, 25, 50 minutes, if your partner asks you to stop, you HAVE to stop and it doesn't matter if you were close to orgasm. The minute you are told to stop and you decide to keep going, it becomes RAPE.

R-A-P-E, RAPE.

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Story 2: Four years ago, I went to a friend's house after class. We were really close friends, me hanging out at his place, was not me asking for it. When I got there, I got comfortable and started hanging out in my friend's room, talking about everything and nothing like the two of us usually did. I had never had sex before and my friend said that the more I waited, the more it would hurt on the first time. I was not really convinced and ignored the comment. As I was laying on my stomach, my friend started kissing my back and I asked him to stop. He kept going and since it felt kind of nice I didn't say anything. He then told me to do the doggystyle position. Even though I knew nothing about sex I knew it wasn't the right way to start so again I said no. That's when my "friend" used his strength, pulled my arms back, holding them really tight. I was wearing a skirt, so it was easy for him to pull my underwear to the side and penetrate me. I cried and tried to scream but I was frozen due to the shock. I asked him to stop SEVERAL times and the bastard completely ignored my pain. The last time I asked him to stop he replied "let me finish, your pussy feels so good right now". Everything hurt, it felt like a knife was going in and out of me. I was bleeding like crazy when I realized it was finally over. I was inconsolable and the guy said : "I hope you don't think I raped you." I went home later that afternoon and tried to kill myself.

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Even if you are MARRIED, your spouse does not OWE you sex. Rape can also happen within marriage/relationships.

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Story 3: I’ve been assaulted 3 times, since I was 16 years old.  I’m now 24. The last time was recently, beginning of August 2018. One assault is already hard to go through, imagine it happening again. Once was by my ex, although this isn’t the one I want to talk about. In August, I met this guy, we barely started talking. We decided to meet, I said yes to more, at first. At one point, I told him enough because I was tired, but he didn’t listen. He kept pushing myself onto him, until I was finally able to scream.  I told him he was pushing me to have sex with him, but in his mind, it wasn’t like that. That guy even had the audacity to ask me to chill again. Went home and blocked him.

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If you are OVER 18 and you have sex with a minor, even if they are up for it it's called STATUTORY RAPE.

It's a pretty simple thing when you take the time to understand it and it doesn't just apply to men.

Something that's also extremely important, is that some women need to stop playing with the word "no". Sex is for adults, if you think you're doing something correctly when you tell someone you don't want to have sex yet, their hands are under your shirt, massaging your breasts, you're smiling, your body language shows that you actually want it, then you clearly need to grow up.

Saying "no" while you actually want it is not a form of flirting, it is not sexy, there is nothing exciting about it. Unless it's a mutual understanding that "no" isn't "no" in YOUR bedroom. However you choose to be intimate is truly personal but, make sure the person is on the same page as you.

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Story 4: My friend's friend was hanging out with two Haitian guys (two guys in their 20's that we constantly see when we go out and what not). One of the guys who was in a relationship flew out a girl to come see him and they all went to pick them up together. They went back home and were drinking and chilling and both of the girls were drugged and raped. This apparently happened in front of others as it was supposedly so bad and rough that another guy had to tell them to chill. The most disturbing part of this was that the girlfriend of the time (also a Haitian girl in our community) found out about it [ not sure how much she was told] but she preceded to travel to repeatedly harass the victim.

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As a female, even before this subject touched me on a personal level, every time I'd hear rape stories my blood would boil inside my veins because I couldn't understand how human beings could be so inhuman. Now for this girl to learn that her boyfriend raped another female and to start harassing the victim?

DON'T YOU KNOW THIS COULD'VE BEEN YOU?

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When it comes to how serious rape is, women stop accusing men of rape when things don't go your way or just because you feel like messing with someone's life. Doing time in jail is hard, now imagine doing time for a crime you did not commit. Rape is NOT a joke, don't just throw it out there because you know it'll work in your favor.

If you accuse someone of rape and turns out they were false accusations, I hope YOU go to jail or I hope you do double the time this person who's been incarcerated for no reason had the misfortune to experience because of YOU.

Men, stop forcing and just because some women are into certain stuffs doesn't mean ALL women are into it, this advice is for both genders actually. This is why it is preferable to have a conversation about sex before actually doing it, again sexual interactions are for adults, it's a form of self-expression so things need to be clear first-hand, before someone ends up with a rape case in their hands or some other f*cked up shit.

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Story 5: This summer I was seeing this guy. We were just hanging out and I knew he wanted sex but he knew I wanted to take it slow. One day we were having sex. He had a condom on. I told him to put it on. And when he was about to cum... he pulled out and his cum flew on me... That was the only way I knew he had taken the condom off. (Without my permission)

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COMMUNICATE, if you like something say it, if you don't like something express your concerns.

If you feel like you are not mature enough to understand everything that was written in this article, then maybe you should NOT have sex nor have an opinion on how people dress or behave, whether it's provocative or not.

Since the subject started on social media, I did a poll on my Twitter account for both men and women.

"Situation: You are having sex with someone, 25 minutes in, you feel like the orgasm is about to come, literally it's SO f*cking close. Then your partner tells you to stop. you ask why? They reply "just because". Do you stop?"

The answer options were: -Yes, of course or -No, I'm almost done.

The poll was up for 24 hours and 170 people voted. I can't say that I'm surprised with the results however, it doesn't change that I'm somewhat disappointed that in 2018, 37 out of 170 people need a review on what consent means.

I'll even take it further, 37 out of 170 people are potential rapists.

It's very unfortunate that I don't have the stats regarding the genders of my voters, I'd be very curious to know which one voted in each option.

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Story 6: My mom is a devoted Christian. When I was younger if I wasn't at school I was at church. So after my mom, the person I had the most respect for was my pastor. He was always supportive, encouraging, great guide, lovable as if I was his own daughter. We had almost 25 years difference in age. We kind of lost touch for a while because he had moved out of the country. 8 years later, following his advice, my mom decided to move close to him. I was now a fully grown woman in her 20's. Meanwhile, my pastor had remarried and had a kid with a woman 6 years older than me. She loved me so much and had heard so many great things about me from her husband, that she decided to become my mentor. So she could shape me into the wife I needed to be for my future husband. She was so nice and ambitious, I admired her greatly. My pastor on the other hand wanted to guide me spiritually. Since the beginning he helped me with school, finding a job, and he taught me how to drive also. He would often ask me to spend time with him, he would pick me up after class (Even when I insisted on taking the bus). He would take me out to eat 3 times a week in order for us to be more "comfortable" around each other, and to know everything about me so he could take me to "the next spiritual level". He'd ask me to baby-sit his 1 year old, telling his wife he was running errands, and would forbid me to tell anyone I was with him (which was all the time). Even when my mom would call him worried, thinking I was acting out, he would lie to her and say that he trusts me, that she shouldn't be worried, and that I was old enough to go out without her being scared all the time.

Then starts the indecency, he would hold my hands, kisses on my forehead and my neck. He would make me drive every night so he could put his hands between my thighs and he'd tell me to not take my hands off of the wheel. He walked by me very closely, and the last straw was when he was exercising and asked me if I could make the same moves. I couldn't, so he just laid on top of me and started rubbing his private parts on mine. I was horrified. All this happened within a year and my trust made me blind to his true intentions. I was trying to convince myself all this time that even though I was uncomfortable around him maybe that was just how he is or that was how a father is suppose to act towards his child. I was confused, for me it was impossible that the men I admired so much, and had so much respect for ever since I was young was the one in front of me. He had the hold over everything in my life and I got played. I was naive and until this day, I tell myself that I consented to all of this by keeping my mouth shut. I don't know.

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How many of us have heard stories about pastors/priests being inappropriate? How are you supposedly a man of GOD and this is the type of shit you do? Does YOUR God agree to this? 'cause mine certainly doesn't.

Although this post was mainly based on sexual consent, I would just like to point out that consent is for everything and everyone. Whatever the situation may be, no matter how small it might seem, it is important to have permission from everyone involved before continuing with what was intended.

As messed up as society is, there are laws and rights for reasons, it doesn't matter what you believe in, there are rules to be followed. We don't get to break them just because WE want, this is not how consent works. Understand that consent is NEVER one-sided.

It also goes for how others can make you feel, life is full of idiots, bullies and judgmental individuals, especially in the Haitian community so do not give them the right to act however they want with you. Just because someone does/says things doesn't mean they are allowed to do/say so.

I will end this article with the perfect quote for my last statement,

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt"

I will take the time to applaud my victims for using my platform to speak up. Most of you will ask "How come they didn't go to the police?". Well, It doesn't work like that. It takes a lot of courage to speak up, you don't even know how much it took for them to come to me and tell me about their stories. Talking about it is one thing, living it is another.

One of these stories is actually mine, it was not easy writing about it and it was not easy writing about the other five either. This is the most personal piece I wrote ever since I became a writer and the hardest one at that. My most painful article yet, and I got emotional throughout the whole writing process. It took everything in me to actually include my story but, I felt like it wouldn't be fair of me to encourage you all to share your story (knowing how hard it is), and not share mine.

I hope by reading this article, other victims are motivated to speak up. If I have enough submissions, I will make a second article called "That Story?... It's Time To Talk About It" solely dedicated to similar victims.

Feel free to contact me via email: myhaiti.myvision@gmail.com

Remember that every story will remain anonymous, I give you my word.

Even if you don't want your stories to be published, you can always reach out to me if you just want to talk.

I hope this post taught you something, or maybe confirmed what you already knew about consent.

I thank you for reading today's article.