Just when I thought I’d take a break from teaching people what the word “No” means. I have to teach them not to lay their hands on other people. Honestly, I see our world as a huge Kindergarten class, some of us are the teachers, and we have to take the time to teach a few kids what the previous lessons were because they’re holding up the class.
If you’re up to date with the new “Hot Topics” of Haiti, you know that former actress of “I love you Anne” and current Mayor of Tabarre, Nice Anne Simon revealed she was unfortunately physically abused by her partner of the time. Numerous explicit pictures of her bruises were shared on social media and women all over the Haitian Community started spreading awareness.
“Today class, we will learn about “physical abuse”.”
“What is “Physical abuse”? Does anyone know?”
“The definition of physical abuse, according to the New York State Office of Children and Family Services, is: "Non-accidental use of force that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. This includes, but is not limited to, being slapped, burned, cut, bruised or improperly physically restrained." Physical abuse is not limited to children and can happen to adults of any age. Neglect is also considered an aspect of physical abuse and this type of abuse often happens when one adult cares for another; such as in the case of an adult child caring for a parent.”
Source: healthyplace.com
“Now kids, Why would someone physically abuse someone else?”
“People abuse their partners because they believe they have the right to control the person they’re dating. Maybe the abusive partner thinks they know best. Maybe they believe that they should be in charge in the relationship. Maybe they think unequal relationships are ideal.
Abuse is a learned behavior. Sometimes people see it growing up. Other times they learn it from friends or popular culture. No matter where it’s learned, it’s not ok and it’s never justified. Many people experience or witness abuse growing up and decide not to use those negative and hurtful ways of behaving. It’s most important to know that abuse is a choice, and it’s not one that anyone has to make.
Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. It happens regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race or economic background.”
Source: loveisrespect.org
“Can someone tell me what the “red flags” of a potential abuser are?”
-Lovebombing
Lovebombing is exactly as it sounds. The abusive person will bomb you with proclamations of love. Abusive relationships always begin with an overabundance of charm and love.
-Gaslighting
Derived from the classic 1944 movie, the term gaslighting refers to creating a situation where the person is made to feel like their reality is coming unglued. Abusers often devise a scenario where you are made to feel like you are losing your grip on your reality. You will doubt your own perceptions.
-Glimpses of anger
When in an abusive relationship, you won’t likely see the abuser’s full anger potential right away. But you will see glimpses of their anger here and there.
-Jekyll and Hyde
One of the earliest warning signs of an abusive relationship is how they treat you in public versus behind closed doors. They will go from ripping you apart behind closed doors to being sweet and attentive to your needs when you are in public.
-Condescending and “joking”
You may notice that your partner has begun to take a condescending tone with you. Abusive people will often rely on insulting you, claiming that they are “only joking.” They will begin to tease you relentlessly about your looks, your family, and your friends. When you protest, they may call you hypersensitive. They will also belittle your intelligence, claiming that they know better than you.
-Lack of empathy
It has been said that abusive people are devoid of empathy. They just don’t care. They will never be able to place themselves in someone else’s shoes, nor will they ever understand or share the feelings of another.
-Lying
One of the cornerstones of abusive relationships is how the abusers love to lie to their partners. It’s all that they know how to do. They will lie to cover their tracks.
-Blame shifting
Abusers never take responsibility for their words or actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.
If you wish to read the full article and definitions, here’s the link to my source.
https://www.breakthesilencedv.org/early-warning-signs-identifying-dv-red-flags/
“Do the full research kids, this will be on the quiz next Monday.”
I would like to understand what makes anyone comfortable enough to lay their hands on someone else in general. Men can be victims of physical abuse also but, because of a certain double standard women feel like they have the right to do anything they want because they expect men to just take it.
“You’re not suppose to hit women!”
Well, you’re not suppose to hit anyone period.
Yet somehow, when it comes to all types of assault, mostly men seem to think the rules don’t apply to them and that they are above the law. Why is that?
Men feel so great when they are in a position of power, especially abusers when their victim begs them to stop, stays around and blame themselves. Well, let me tell you something. All that “power” and “greatness” you feel is in YOUR head. There’s nothing smaller than a man who takes pleasure in assaulting innocent people. If anything, it only proves how WEAK you actually are because you have to pick on the small ones in order to feel big. Next time you feel comfortable touching someone however you please, think of your mother, think of your sister, or daughter. Think about any female that you care about and ask yourself, “Would I be happy if some savage decided to lay a finger on one of them the wrong way?”
The answer is automatically “No” so now, if that’s your answer then why do you feel comfortable doing it to someone else?
“Any questions class before I go on? If you don’t understand something raise your hand. I will be more than happy to explain this to you one more time.”
I saw a post on Twitter about the Nice Simon incident and this person said something like: “See how Nice is a well educated woman and is in a position of power and still got physically abused? Well young ladies, get off the Internet, get yourselves an education so you won’t have to settle for someone that will abuse you.”
This person couldn’t be more wrong, they stated that even though Nice is well educated, she still got hurt then tells young women to get an education in order to NOT get abused. There’s no correlation.
Ladies get an education regardless, it doesn’t have to be something that requires college or university. Like my mom always said: “apran on bagay k’ ap ba w’ manje.”
“Learn something that will always put food in your mouth” then, you can focus on your passion, always have a back up plan in case what you want to do takes some time to work.
Get an education because you want to, because you don’t want to depend on anyone. Learn something useful so your next partner won’t be a lather to step up in life but, your equal to step up together. Get your own shit so your next partner won’t belittle you every chance they get. “Apran on bagay pou nèg pa ranse a figi n’.”
Remember having an education is great but, it doesn’t protect us from potential abusers. It doesn’t matter the amount, nor level of education you have IT WILL NOT PROTECT YOU. The only way to protect yourself is by looking out for the red flags stated above. They will protect you. Don’t get too involved with someone before you’ve seen them in all the different situations possible. Watch how they talk to you. The signs are there, education or not LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF.
Some women are lucky and get out of their situation, others don’t make it out. If you want the perfect example, go back to December 24th, 2005, when Ginoue Mondésir was killed by her abuser. Ginoue was found in her assailant’s car literally in pieces. She was a well educated, successful actress and also Television Host of Telemax, in Haiti.
See how her success did not protect her? Being successful is one thing but being able to protect and speak up for yourself is a whole other challenge. So this is what I need our young women to learn.
Whenever you’re in doubt, read this article again. Remind yourself of who you are, what you deserve and PLEASE do not settle for anything LESS.
“So what have we learned today kids?”
“Hands are not for hitting!”
“That’s right!!!! Now class dismissed.”
Although it seemed like I was taking this subject as a joke, it wasn’t planned to be written this way. After I wrote “I see our world as a huge Kindergarten class”, I became totally sarcastic with it. I feel like I should not be writing about consent nor abuse, and it should be common knowledge that you’re not suppose to raise your hands on people or you have to ask permission before you do something. All of this seems so childish. This is a conversation I should have with my 11 year old nephew yet, here I am telling adults what they shouldn’t be doing. We learned this already. This is what I was referring to when I said “holding up the class” earlier in the article.
I know there will be very smart individuals (again sarcasm) that will comment things like “How come the victims don’t use self defense?” well, try fighting someone you love. Doesn’t even have to be that deep, try going against someone twice your weight, and which happens to be taller than you. Do you think you’d stand a chance? It is scientifically proven that men are physically stronger than females. Emphases on the word physically.
However this is generally speaking, I don’t want people to tell me men are not stronger than them, and “What about men that get abused?”. Again, generally speaking it’s never to the same level as male abusers. Women scream, slap, punch but it will never be AS PHYSICAL as with men.
The strength is just not the same and these men stay around because the first form of abuse of their relationship is mental, women threatening to kill both of them, insults and much more so, a slap here and there doesn’t really phase them but it’s still physical abuse. Some of them don’t fight back because they were probably raised to never hit women, and don’t speak up because their ego makes it hard to admit that they are victims.
“If it were me, I’d never be in a situation like that.” Well, of course you wouldn’t. It’s easier to talk and act tough when you’ve never been in the situation. If you think you’ll never get stuck in a similar situation well “cool story bro”, hopefully it truly never happens because no matter how many idiots there are in this world, I couldn’t wish this on anyone.
However if you want my opinion, no matter which gender you identify as, don’t lay your hands on anyone. Even less on someone you can’t win against but, if someone hits you ... defend yourself. Even if it’s a clear loss, fight back.
I know for a fact if a guy hits me I’ll just run to my male friends and let them fight my battles for me. That works too.
I know I mentioned mental abuse briefly but, understand the physical aspect of abuse doesn’t happen without the mental hold one may have on someone else. So before you judge someone on how long they stayed in their abusive relationship, make sure you get all the facts and even then you shouldn’t be criticizing because it could’ve been you.
Anyone who is able to get out of an abusive relationship is a survivor and whatever your feelings may be towards the subject does not give you the right to take that away from them.
If you know someone that lived similar circumstances or maybe you have and you’re still recovering. If you’re looking for ways to help yourself or them, you have to know what hurts first and then you or they can heal.
Heal your heart, work on forgiving yourself, once that pain is gone you’ll be more open to a positive way of thinking which will lead to healing the scars of your mind.
I am no expert, I’ve never been a victim of physical abuse but I’ve done my research in order to give the best advice possible. Based on what I’ve read and different testimonies, I can end this article with the perfect quote that will corroborate with my previous advice.
“It’s not the bruises on the body that hurt, it is the wounds of the heart and the scars of the mind” - Aisha Mirza
Heal your heart and mind because once the bruises are gone, all you’re left with are the mental pain and the heart aches.
I hope this post has been helpful, I hope it encourages victims to speak up. You can always share your stories with me, I’d be more than happy to listen to it and give my best advice. Again I am know expert, all I’ve done was reading about the subject.
I will also take the time to say what Nice Simon did was really courageous and shout out to her for spreading awareness and sharing her story.
I thank you all for reading my article today.
This was “Class Is In Session”, written by Tiff.
Vesyon kreyol de atik sa sou Soundcloud.
https://soundcloud.com/myhaiti-myvision/vyolans-fizik
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